If you get on a bus you'll be subjected to tinny tunes extolling the virtues of gang warfare - through mobile phone speakers. You could ask the owner of said mobile to turn it down, but you'd probably get stabbed in the neck. Luckily, you have an even more powerful weapon at your disposal. Set the battery- or mains-powered Handy T rax up on your lap and get your Minnie Ripperton Vinyl spinning, adjusting the pitch from time to time to make the chorus even squeakier. We guarantee the yoofs will leave the bus in tears and your fellow travellers will embrace you as a comrade.

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